i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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