Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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