It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
