the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
