I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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