everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize