I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
