I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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