She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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