My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
