I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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