nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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