last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I FOUND THE LEGS
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
