just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
