first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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