I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
