im about as happy as oj after his trial
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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