You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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