Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
