I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize