my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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