i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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