Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
