Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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