So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
