just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
