Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
