don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
