I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
