Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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