I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize