i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize