Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Enjoy the penises
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
