Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
