She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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