Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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