Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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