Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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