I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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