i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
