tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
