Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
