i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
