if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
