I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
