I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
