I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize