Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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