I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
