I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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