I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
