you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
