First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
