im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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