You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
