two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
