I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
