Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize