Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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