If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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