ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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