ya dads aren't the best wingmen
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There r osticjed everywhere
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
