Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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