I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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