When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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